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  • Fish and Cat Story

    One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.



    The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."



    As luck would have it, a hunter saw what  was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."



    Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.



    However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."



    At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.



    The moral of this story is:



    If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.

    Regards ,
    MoHan
    Thursday, May 17, 2007 7:24 AM
  • this forum is for study....but you asking joke...
    so your post itself is a joke/...
    how is it....
    Friday, May 18, 2007 6:55 AM
  • hi veera ,
    What a joke ....ohhh

    Regards
    MohaN
    Saturday, May 19, 2007 3:42 PM
  •  codephobia wrote:
    This is an Educational Forum ..

    Creativity is also a part of education... Also jokes help us to set aside our tensions and enjoy life... 

    Sunday, May 20, 2007 4:12 PM
  • 50 Ways to Mess With People in a Computer Lab 1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour. 4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. 5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. 8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. 12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing. 14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting. 15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say "Oops, I forgot." 16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. 17. "DISK FIGHT!!!" 18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends). 19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. 21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. 22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor. 23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. 24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. 26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. 28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. 32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. 33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, humits note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. 34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. 35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it. 36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. 38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. 39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave. 40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) 41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. 42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. 43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger. 45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. 46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work. 47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. 48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type. 49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week". 50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:48 AM
  • Nerd Season A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds." As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license." So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season." "Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:49 AM
  • A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow. The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:50 AM
  • Right Click Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:51 AM
  • The Smoking Power Supply

    I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.



    Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.



    Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this.



    Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem.



    Customer: I know that there is something I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.



    [After a few minutes of going round and round]



    Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as CBig SmileOSNOSMOKE and reboot your computer.



    [Customer does this]



    Customer: It is still smoking.



    Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.



    [The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!]



    Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer?



    Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost....
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:55 AM
  • Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program shrink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and 12-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way of an elaborate path, through the most rigid quality control on the planet. Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the program development cycle.



    1 Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.



    2 Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.



    3 Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.



    4 Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.



    5 See 3.



    6 See 4.



    7 See 5.



    8 See 6.



    9 See 7.



    10 See 8.



    11 Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on an overly optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.



    12 Users find 137 new bugs.



    13 Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.



    14 Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.



    15 Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.



    16 Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.



    17 New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.



    18 Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:56 AM


  • Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?



    A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.



    Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?



    A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise, things can wait until tomorrow.



    Q: How come the Age of Miracles ended?



    A: That was the development phase of the project. Now we're in the maintenance phase.



    Q: Who is Satan?



    A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so nonprogrammers become scared of him. God thinks he's irritating but irrelevant.



    Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?



    A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.



    Q: How can I protect myself from evil?



    A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.



    Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?



    A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.



    Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?



    A: They are much more likely to receive email
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:56 AM


  • My name is Spam.

    Spam I Am.

    I have some stuff I'd like to sell.

    Take a look! It's really swell!



    I do not want your worthless spam.

    I do not want it, Spam I Am.



    Spam I Am:

    $500 software that really rocks!

    Just 20 bucks--still in the box!



    You are really full of bunk.

    I do not want your bootleg junk!

    I do not want your worthless Spam.

    I do not want it Spam I Am.



    Spam I Am:

    How about some fast cash?

    Fifty Thousand in a flash!!!



    How stupid do you think I am?

    I won't join your shady scam.

    You are a sucker, you silly gitch.

    If it worked, we'd all be rich!

    I do not want your worthless spam.

    I do not want it Spam I Am.



    Spam I Am:

    Check out this great idea of mine!

    For Web Hosting and Design!



    I went to your site; it really sucks!

    For this you're charging lots of bucks?

    You could at least learn to spell.

    Why don't you just go to hell.

    I do not want your worthless spam.

    I do not want it Spam I Am.



    Don't pretend your ads are new.

    You insult us when you do.

    I won't buy your worthless stocks.

    Our heads are not full of rocks

    Stop it Spam. Enough's enough.

    I do not want your trashy stuff!

    I do not want your damn spam!

    I do not want it Spam I Am!
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:57 AM
  • Spell Checker

    I halve a spelling checker,

    It came with my pea see.

    It plainly marks four my revue

    Mistakes I dew knot sea.



    Eye strike a key and type a word

    And weight four it two say

    Weather eye am wrong oar write

    It shows me strait aweigh.



    As soon as a mist ache is maid

    It nose bee fore two long

    And eye can put the era rite

    Its rarely ever wrong.



    I've scent this massage threw it,

    And I'm shore your pleased too no

    Its letter prefect in every weigh;

    My checker tolled me sew.
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:57 AM
  • Ten Top Reasons Computers Are Male

    10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.



    9. A better model is always just around the corner.



    8. They look nice and shiny, until you bring them home.



    7. It is always necessary to have a backup.



    6. They'll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons.



    5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.



    4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.



    3. The lights are on but nobody's home.



    2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.



    1. Size does matter.
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:58 AM
  • Things You Don't Want Your Sysadmin To Say

    1. Uh-oh...



    2. Oh S***!



    3. What the heck?!?



    4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?)



    5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.



    6. Wow!! Look at this...



    7. Hey!! The Suns don't do this.



    8. Terminated?!?



    9. What software license?!?



    10. Well, it's doing SOMETHING...



    11. Wow...that seemed fast...



    12. I got a better job at Lockheed...



    13. Management says...



    14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgeted.



    15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?



    16. It didn't do that a minute ago...



    17. Where's the GUI on this thing?



    18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke...



    19. Where's the DIR command?



    20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.



    21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.



    22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?



    23. Do you smell something?



    24. What's that grinding sound?



    25. I have never seen it do THAT before...



    26. I don't think it should be doing that...



    27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...



    28. You might as well all go home early today...



    29. My leave starts tomorrow.



    30. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)



    31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...



    32. Why is my "rm -R *" taking so long?"



    33. Hmmm, curious...



    34. Well, MY files were backed up.



    35. What do you mean you needed that directory?



    36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!



    37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?



    38. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.



    39. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?



    40. We're standardizing on AIX.



    41. Wonder what THIS command does?



    42. What did you say your (1)user name was...? ;-)
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:59 AM

All replies

  • Fish and Cat Story

    One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.



    The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."



    As luck would have it, a hunter saw what  was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."



    Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.



    However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."



    At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.



    The moral of this story is:



    If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.

    Regards ,
    MoHan
    Thursday, May 17, 2007 7:24 AM
  • cOOLllllllll LOL
    Thursday, May 17, 2007 7:38 AM
  • This is and Educational Forum ..
    Thursday, May 17, 2007 8:42 AM
  • This is an Educational Forum ..
    Thursday, May 17, 2007 9:01 AM
  • this forum is for study....but you asking joke...
    so your post itself is a joke/...
    how is it....
    Friday, May 18, 2007 6:55 AM
  • ***
    Saturday, May 19, 2007 10:22 AM
  • hi veera ,
    What a joke ....ohhh

    Regards
    MohaN
    Saturday, May 19, 2007 3:42 PM
  •  codephobia wrote:
    This is an Educational Forum ..

    Creativity is also a part of education... Also jokes help us to set aside our tensions and enjoy life... 

    Sunday, May 20, 2007 4:12 PM
  • AFRAID THAT SOMEONE WILL TAKE AWAY YOUR SLIPPERS WHEN YOU LEAVE THEM OUTSIDE THE MOSQUE / TEMPLE ? ---

     

    FOLLOW THE SAME METHOD AS THIS

    GENIUS  GUY!--

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    Sunday, May 20, 2007 4:17 PM
  • Once a ant and a elephant were in a love....one day ant went to its parents and told ,that it is going to marry elephant with whom it was loving.... but ant parents refused and didn't agreed for marriage. the ant told that " plz forgive me.... i am going to give birth for a elephant baby in next few days"

     

    Bye

    Monday, May 21, 2007 2:57 PM
  • 50 Ways to Mess With People in a Computer Lab 1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour. 4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. 5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. 8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. 12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing. 14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting. 15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say "Oops, I forgot." 16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. 17. "DISK FIGHT!!!" 18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends). 19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. 21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. 22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor. 23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. 24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. 26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. 28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. 32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. 33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, humits note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. 34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. 35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it. 36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. 38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. 39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave. 40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) 41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. 42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. 43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger. 45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. 46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work. 47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. 48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type. 49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week". 50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:48 AM
  • Nerd Season A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds." As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license." So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season." "Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:49 AM
  • A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow. The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:50 AM
  • Right Click Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:51 AM
  • The Smoking Power Supply

    I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.



    Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.



    Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this.



    Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem.



    Customer: I know that there is something I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.



    [After a few minutes of going round and round]



    Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as CBig SmileOSNOSMOKE and reboot your computer.



    [Customer does this]



    Customer: It is still smoking.



    Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.



    [The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!]



    Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer?



    Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost....
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:55 AM
  • Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program shrink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and 12-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way of an elaborate path, through the most rigid quality control on the planet. Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the program development cycle.



    1 Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.



    2 Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.



    3 Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.



    4 Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.



    5 See 3.



    6 See 4.



    7 See 5.



    8 See 6.



    9 See 7.



    10 See 8.



    11 Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on an overly optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.



    12 Users find 137 new bugs.



    13 Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.



    14 Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.



    15 Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.



    16 Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.



    17 New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.



    18 Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:56 AM


  • Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?



    A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.



    Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?



    A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise, things can wait until tomorrow.



    Q: How come the Age of Miracles ended?



    A: That was the development phase of the project. Now we're in the maintenance phase.



    Q: Who is Satan?



    A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so nonprogrammers become scared of him. God thinks he's irritating but irrelevant.



    Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?



    A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.



    Q: How can I protect myself from evil?



    A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.



    Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?



    A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.



    Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?



    A: They are much more likely to receive email
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:56 AM


  • My name is Spam.

    Spam I Am.

    I have some stuff I'd like to sell.

    Take a look! It's really swell!



    I do not want your worthless spam.

    I do not want it, Spam I Am.



    Spam I Am:

    $500 software that really rocks!

    Just 20 bucks--still in the box!



    You are really full of bunk.

    I do not want your bootleg junk!

    I do not want your worthless Spam.

    I do not want it Spam I Am.



    Spam I Am:

    How about some fast cash?

    Fifty Thousand in a flash!!!



    How stupid do you think I am?

    I won't join your shady scam.

    You are a sucker, you silly gitch.

    If it worked, we'd all be rich!

    I do not want your worthless spam.

    I do not want it Spam I Am.



    Spam I Am:

    Check out this great idea of mine!

    For Web Hosting and Design!



    I went to your site; it really sucks!

    For this you're charging lots of bucks?

    You could at least learn to spell.

    Why don't you just go to hell.

    I do not want your worthless spam.

    I do not want it Spam I Am.



    Don't pretend your ads are new.

    You insult us when you do.

    I won't buy your worthless stocks.

    Our heads are not full of rocks

    Stop it Spam. Enough's enough.

    I do not want your trashy stuff!

    I do not want your damn spam!

    I do not want it Spam I Am!
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:57 AM
  • Spell Checker

    I halve a spelling checker,

    It came with my pea see.

    It plainly marks four my revue

    Mistakes I dew knot sea.



    Eye strike a key and type a word

    And weight four it two say

    Weather eye am wrong oar write

    It shows me strait aweigh.



    As soon as a mist ache is maid

    It nose bee fore two long

    And eye can put the era rite

    Its rarely ever wrong.



    I've scent this massage threw it,

    And I'm shore your pleased too no

    Its letter prefect in every weigh;

    My checker tolled me sew.
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:57 AM
  • Ten Top Reasons Computers Are Male

    10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.



    9. A better model is always just around the corner.



    8. They look nice and shiny, until you bring them home.



    7. It is always necessary to have a backup.



    6. They'll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons.



    5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.



    4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.



    3. The lights are on but nobody's home.



    2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.



    1. Size does matter.
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:58 AM
  • Things You Don't Want Your Sysadmin To Say

    1. Uh-oh...



    2. Oh S***!



    3. What the heck?!?



    4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?)



    5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.



    6. Wow!! Look at this...



    7. Hey!! The Suns don't do this.



    8. Terminated?!?



    9. What software license?!?



    10. Well, it's doing SOMETHING...



    11. Wow...that seemed fast...



    12. I got a better job at Lockheed...



    13. Management says...



    14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgeted.



    15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?



    16. It didn't do that a minute ago...



    17. Where's the GUI on this thing?



    18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke...



    19. Where's the DIR command?



    20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.



    21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.



    22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?



    23. Do you smell something?



    24. What's that grinding sound?



    25. I have never seen it do THAT before...



    26. I don't think it should be doing that...



    27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...



    28. You might as well all go home early today...



    29. My leave starts tomorrow.



    30. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)



    31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...



    32. Why is my "rm -R *" taking so long?"



    33. Hmmm, curious...



    34. Well, MY files were backed up.



    35. What do you mean you needed that directory?



    36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!



    37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?



    38. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.



    39. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?



    40. We're standardizing on AIX.



    41. Wonder what THIS command does?



    42. What did you say your (1)user name was...? ;-)
    Friday, May 25, 2007 9:59 AM
  •       A man comes running to the doctor shouting & screaming
          In pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a
          Bee."

     

     

          DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

     

     

          MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles
          Away by now."

     

     

          DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream
          On the place you were stung."

     

     

          MAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was
          Sitting under a tree"

     

     

          DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which
          Part of your body did that bee sting."

     


          MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee
          Stung me on my finger and it really hurts"

     

     

          DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting):
          "Which one?"


          MAN (innocently ): "How am I to know? All bees look the
          Same to me."

     


     

    Friday, June 1, 2007 5:05 AM
  • I don't see any valid reason for separating work from play.
    Saturday, June 2, 2007 6:30 PM
  • Hi


    A Mall Order  
        
    An Amish woman and her son are walking through a mall for the first time, totally stunned by everything they see.

    They are especially fascinated by two silver walls which slide together and then apart.

    They both walk up closer to the sliding silver walls. They see a fat, little old man waddle inside and watch as the doors close behind her.

    The mother and son can't believe their eyes when minutes later, the silver doors open and a tall, well-built stud strides out.

    The mother then turns to the son and says, "Son, go and get your father."


    Saturday, June 2, 2007 6:48 PM
  •  

    NOTE: THIS IS JUST  A JOKE.. NOT A REAL INCIDENT...

     

    Subject: Software company Vs vs Automobile industry

      

      For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way  computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent
    computer expo  (COMDEX), CEO of a big software company  reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto   industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that  got 1,000 miles to   the gallon."

      

      In response to the CEO's comments, General Motors issued a  press release   stating: If GM had developed technology like X,
    we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics.

      

      1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

      2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy   a new car.

      3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would  have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the
    windows, shut off   the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For  some reason you would simply accept this.

      4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case
    you would have to   reinstall the engine.

      5. Macintosh! would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,   five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but
    would run on only   five percent of the roads.

      6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be   replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal
    Operation" warning   light.

      7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

      8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the
    door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

      9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how  to drive all over again because none of the controls
    would operate in the   same manner as the old car.

      10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

      

      Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their  computer..


     

    Sunday, June 3, 2007 1:08 AM
  • Satanic Starbucks  
        
    A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.

    The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

    The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.

    The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

    The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!"

    Monday, June 4, 2007 4:16 AM

  • Misguided  
        
    A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been traveling in circles.

    ''We're lost!'' One of the hikers complained.

    ''And you said you were the best guide in the United States.''

    ''I am,'' the guide answered, '' but I think we may have wandered into Canada.''

    Monday, June 4, 2007 4:19 AM
  • A computer programmer from US was in India, he had a chance 2 listen
    Ramayana from Indians. After returning 2
    US he wrote it in his personal Diary. A Tabloid in US
    Got a copy of his writings.These are excerpts from his
    Diary.
    Ramayana by the Software Engineer.

    LAN, LAN ago, in the SYSTEM of I/O-dhya,there ruled a
    PROCESSOR named DOS-rat. Once he EXECUTED a great
    Sacrifice PROGRAM after which his queens gave an
    OUTPUT of four SUNs--RAM, LSIman,BUG-rat and SED-
    Rughana. RAM the eldest was a MICROCHIP with excellent
    MEMORY. His brothers,however, were only PERIPHERAL
    ICs. Once when RAM was only 16MB, he married princess
    'C'ta. 12years passed and DOS-rat decided to INSTAL
    RAM as his successor. However, Queen CIE/CAE
    (Kayegayee), who was once offered a boon by DOS-rat
    For a life saving HELP COMMAND, took this opportunity
    At the instigation of her BIOSed maid (a real
    Plotter), and insisted that her son Bug-rat be
    INSTALLED and that RAM be BOOTED to the forest for 14
    Years. At this cruel and unexpected demand, a SURGE
    Passed thru DOS-rat and, he collapsed,power-less. RAM
    Agreed to LOG INTO forest and 'C'ta insisted to LOGIN
    With him. LSI-man was also resolved on LOGGING IN with
    His brother. The forest was the dwelling of
    SPARCnakha,
    The TRANSISTOR of RAW-van,PROCESSOR of LAN- ka.
    Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that he
    Marry her. RAM, politely declined. Perceiving 'C'ta to
    Be the SOURCE CODE of her distress, she hastened to
    Kill her. Weeping,SPARC-nakha fled to LAN-ka, where
    RAW-van, moved by TRANSISTOR's plight,approached his
    Uncle MAR-icha. MAR-icha REPROGRAMED himself into the
    Form of a golden stag and drew RAM deep into forest.
    Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer, who,with
    His last breath, cried out desperately for LSI-man in
    RAM's voice.Fooled by this VIRTUAL RAM SOUND,'C'ta
    Urged LSI-man to his brother's aid. Catching the
    Opportunity,RAW-van DELINKED 'C'ta from her LIBRAR and
    Changed her ROOT DIRECTORY to LAN-ka.
    -----------------------------------------------------
    INTERVAL
    -----------------------------------------------------
    RAM and LSI-man started SEARCHING for the missing
    'C'ta all over the forest. They made friendship with
    The forest SYSTEM
    ADMINISTRATOR SU-greev and his powerful co-processor
    Ha-NEUMAN. SU-greev agreed to help RAM.SU-greev
    Ordered his PROGRAMMERS to use powerful
    'SEARCH'techniques to FIND themissing 'C'ta. His
    PROGRAMMERS SEARCHED all around INTER-NETworked
    Forests. Many tried to 'EXCITE' the birds and animals
    Not to forget the 'WEB CRAWLERS'(Insects) and tried to
    SEEK'something about 'C'ta. Some of them even shouted
    'YAA-HOO' but they all ended up with 'NO
    FOUND'MESSAGES. Several other SEARCH techniques proved
    Useless. Ha-NEUMAN devised a RISKy TECHNOLOGY and
    Used it to cross the seas at an
    Astonishing CLOCK SPEED. Soon Ha-NEUMAN DOWNLOADED
    Himself into LAN-ka. After doing some local SEARCH,
    HaNEUMAN found 'C'ta weeping under a TREE STRUCTURE.
    Ha-NEUMAN used a LOGIN ID (ring) to identify
    Himself to 'C'ta. After DECRYPTING THE KEY, 'C'ta
    Believed in him and asked him to send a STATUS_OK
    MESSAGE to RAM. Meanwhile all the raakshasa BUGS
    Around 'C'ta captured Ha-NEUMAN and tried to DELETE
    Him using pyro-techniques. But Ha-NEUMAN managed to
    Spread chaos by spreading the VIRUS 'Fire'.
    Ha-NEUMAN happily pressed ESCAPE from LAN- ka and
    Conveyed all the STATUS MESSAGES to RAM and SU-greev.
    RAW-wan decided to take the all powerful RAM head-on
    And prepared for the battle.One of the RAW-wan's SUN
    (son) almost DELETED RAM & LSI-man with a powerful
    Brahma-astra. But Ha-NEUMAN resorted to some ACTIVE-X
    Gradients and REBOOTED RAM and LSI-man. RAM used the
    SOURCE CODE secrets of RAW-wan and once for all wiped
    Out RAW-wan's presence on earth. After the battle, RAM
    Got INSTALLED in I/O- dhya and spreaded his MICROSOFT
    WORKS and other USER FRIENDLY PROGRAMS to all USERS
    And every one lived happily everafter
    Monday, June 4, 2007 10:21 PM
  • An old lady walked into a Grocery Store. She wanted to buy the best dog food in the world for her little puppy. She went up to the cash register to buy the food. The sales-lady told her that the store did not allow old ladies to buy animal food unless they show the actual animal because a lot of old ladies like to eat the animal food themselves. So the old lady went home, got her dog and went back to the store to buy her dog food. The next day she came back to buy the best cat food around But the Saleslady told her the same thing, so the old lady went back home and brought her cat to the Grocery Store to buy the cat food. The next day the old lady went to the Grocery Store again carrying a big container. She went up to the sales lady and said, "Put your hand inside here". The Saleslady shook her head. "NO", she said, "there is probably something in there that will bite me!" "I promise you that there is nothing in here that will bite you". the old lady said. So the Saleslady stuck her hand inside the container and screamed.
    WEN THE LADY PUTS HER HAND INSIDE THE CONTAINER SHE SCREAMED COZ THERE WAS
    > *** IN IT...

    THAT OLD LADY WANTED TO BUY TOILET TISSUES....

    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.....................

    Monday, June 4, 2007 10:29 PM
  • I request you guys to stop this thread immediately man.

    This thread is in the wrong place. I suggest the thread starter to discourage any further posts in this thread, and i request him to start one thread in the "General Discussions" section, and continue there.

    Hope you guys agree with me.
    Saturday, June 9, 2007 3:01 AM
  • No jokes, i only listen and then forget it............my weak point
    Wednesday, June 13, 2007 3:43 AM